The neutered spy issue

Fork Fest Review

The neutered spy issue

 NUMBER 8

May 2005

Under the Tuscan Photo Light

Another yummalicious dinner at Karl and Karin’s, which is a statement chock full of redundancy. Karl, delicious. Karin, delicious. Dinner, delicious. Doggy, delicious. Guests, delicious, of course and then of course, the courses of course. Delicious.

And so we sat under the comforting, hypnotic hum of the (now if you could just remove that bit of clothing) photo lamp, drinking and winding down or up and, oh wait, but first we were all standing around, fondling glassware and smiling like nothing was a-foot. “But wait,” said the narrator, for something was up. Amidst the jolly repartee of this party crowd, something brewed.

But First

There was Alec and Elisa (sp?). New guests to the group, and could they be trusted with the secret? Or would we have to work around them as well as (psssst. I can’t yet say) you know who? Ace-operative Hideo was chosen to help throw up a ruse.

“Got a smoke?” I asked Hideo and our plan was put into sluggish, misinterpreted action (although Hideo thought I really wanted one and resisted going outside with me to “smoke a cigarette” as he wanted to save the one he had.) Note: All spies should have plenty of spare smokes as a device – a way to get closer to informants, cohorts and so on.

A Little Deception with Your Dessert, Miss?

Yeah, there’s always a sucker, a punch-guy, a buffer – someone there to take the heat and keep the “Joes” (or “Josephines” in this case) uptight and confused and Karl played it to the collar button, almost gettin’ choked by Karin’s insistence and worry.

“Where’s the dessert?” she demanded in a cold hard whisper* (dames and their sweets) and Karl brushed it off. He could have said, check the freezer baby, more ice cream than you could eat in there, but no, he let her sweat.

Agent Jeung, a.k.a. “Carole,” worked through the day to make sure the birthday cake – complete with cryptic-coded-disappearing sugar frosting – a “dust” as they call it in the cake-coding spy world – would come out looking like any other cake, but to the trained eye, the words, “happy birthday” could be deciphered on the top of the cake. So far, our agents have not yet been able to decode what happy birthday might really mean.

Chaos in the Kitchen

Wine and chatter were used to distract the Target. That and the fact that she had to oil, plate and serve the melon appetizers; a cool choice, seemingly easy to prepare, but not. Did she use a razor sharp knife (look out, Theo!), a specialized tool – some costly item she might have found in the latest Williams-Sonoma Catalog – or did she torture the melon with a dull-bladed butter knife?

With this in mind, we stayed away from both her and her melons. With such dangerous uncertainty surrounding us, we just wanted to make it to the main course of chicken curry on noodles with a green side of bok choy – a light, perfect meal, but again, fraught with tension as everyone was forced to use chop sticks. Could this have been another move to assess the dexterity of her “guests”? Was she making a list as to who handled their sticks the best (could it have been Carmine or Hideo, the drunken warriors) and therefore who might be the greatest challenge to her escape, her mission (wait, it’s her place. Should she escape? Does she have a mission?) but no one will ever know. She played it cool and the cake made it’s way to the table. Shock! It’s your birthday and spelled backwards it says, “yppah yadhtrib,” which if you think about it real hard, could be dog language for something and with that in mind . . .  (Dan, get yer geeeeetar)

Somewhere there’s a doggie

That’s walking a little lite

’Cause Karl and Karin got snippy

When Theo put up a fight

They said to one another

“His balls have got to go”

So with a snip-snip here

And a whack-whack there

Theo got fit for some new underwear

(But he doesn’t really wear any)

And now he’s a party-pleaser

A regular dinner guest teaser

With his fluffy floppy ears and wiggly tail

He won’t get the Petzkes tossed in jail**

(Which reminds me about the Far Side cartoon where the dog is in the car and says to the other dogs, yeah, I’m going to get tutored.)

And even though he likes

To hump a little leg

And sometimes potties up the floor

We hope to see this mutt (I mean, pure-breed) of theirs

A whole lot more.

[ Welcome, Theo, to the pages of Fork Fest. ]

Next

The Next Dinner will be hosted by that dark of the night duo, Carmine and Hideo on June 5th. Cigarettes, trench coats, snub-nose optional.

Correction: date last issue should have been 2005 (not 2004) so never fear – you have not gone back in time, or even into the future. You are here and now, whenever and wherever. Just watch your back as there are spies everywhere. Woof-woof.

*    We know it was just sweet gentle warm concern, but we got to edge it up with this noir-angst.

**  Yes, a reference to a certain dog mauling case.